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Saturday, October 15, 2016
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Emotions are Terminal
What is pretty and worldly does not always satisfy.
The last few months have been whirlwind of activity. I have been immersed in the newness to the teenage years. I have been startled by the beauty of a nine year old and her emotions.
The last few months have been whirlwind of activity. I have been immersed in the newness to the teenage years. I have been startled by the beauty of a nine year old and her emotions.
The love I get in my heart for these kids is incredible. Let your emotions of love from God go to those He places in your life. You don't know how many days, how many years you'll be given. I want many others to come to know Jesus through my life. That's all that really matters, for others to come to know Jesus. Flashy things, cool houses, your dreams coming true, it will all leave you feeling pretty empty. Find Jesus, and be filled with him. Seek him, and he will bless you with Himself. That's what I want for myself, to desire him more, to be a light to my immediate family, to show the kids in my life who Jesus is.
Don't let yourself be killed, letting your soul die at your job. May you let Jesus bring you alive today. May He cure you from the spiritual cancer poisoning your bones. We only have a little time. We are fatally flawed, as Jon Foreman writes. I hope you can let Jesus into your life today.
Our hearts, our emotions are terminal. We have a sickness of death that we need solved by Jesus. Made in the image of God, but corrupted by sin and straying from him. Our lives are terminal, but if we give our lives to God he will bring us to eternal life in Jesus. If we give our hearts to him, he will give us the desires of our hearts, just like he has fulfilled desires of my heart in the jobs he's given me. If we give our hearts to God, he will give them to worthy friends.
Today I sent my lovely sister off to college. I shall miss her. May God be with me in that time of missing, and may he be with you today in whatever you're going through. Alas, he always wants to be there for you. He's always been there for me. My solid rock amidst horrible waves of this earth, of my own sin and flaws and others' sins and their impact on my life and the lives of those around me.
Today I sent my lovely sister off to college. I shall miss her. May God be with me in that time of missing, and may he be with you today in whatever you're going through. Alas, he always wants to be there for you. He's always been there for me. My solid rock amidst horrible waves of this earth, of my own sin and flaws and others' sins and their impact on my life and the lives of those around me.
-much of post inspired by "Terminal" Jon Foreman and by Jesus, of course
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
May 31, 2016
Have you ever had a goal that died, or a dream that died? You feel pretty miserable, eh? Maybe you don't, but I do know the feeling. The gut wrenching pain, too bitter to be soothed by anything. I've had dreams that I felt the Lord speaking to me and I have felt I have failed the Lord in bringing them to pass. A dream in particular keeps slapping me in the face. I know this pain, I don't necessarily know what to do with it and I know it doesn't SEEM fair, yet I still have to deal with it.
I know I am unique, I know God loves me, I feel for the longest time I've probably relied so much on what my view of myself growing up was. While I wish for some of my personality to be resurfaced, in a way I guess what I really want is to just have the freedom to be a child again. Writing this actually makes me want to cry. Just remembering being a child, I could do anything I wanted really. Not in a sense of never being told what to do, of course I was told many many times what to do. I think it's more along the lines of just having fun being me and picking something to do and doing it. I would do something fully, I had the freedom to think all about what I was doing and to give my all. Now I'm not sure what definition it means to apply if I have given my all to something.
I spend my days counting the objects that I am cleaning up at work. I know it may sound funny, but I count to keep motivated as I clean and there are plenty of messes made. It may be surprising how messy life can get at with little kids around you.
I spend my days with kids, and I love them and they give me joy. However, my days not with kids remind me of my loneliness. I honestly feel happy with kids and when alone I'm reminded of the sadness within me. I long for friendship yet when people come around me I long to just be alone.
It feels a bit unfair that I have remained non sexually active with a guy and yet the life I have had to live is basically that of a girl who's gotten pregnant in high school or similar time, unmarried. You could say that I am not nailed to these kids but my heart is with them, and my heart has not let go. Someday I will say goodbye which makes me want to cry, but for now I love them.
Yet it's true, because of them, I may have missed out on the only guy I thought I was supposed to be with, because I never got to leave MN but was stuck here. That's hard to swallow. Girls emotions are really intense, and I'm a woman. I have them. I feel them. I'm stable at work, I am composed. Yet vulnerability is so very hard because there is potential rejection, and here I am broken, lights out in my heart, turning to all the wrong places on the day, so blistered by sin that I fail to see myself as worthy.
God doesn't seem enough all the time. I'm a broken person in need of a savior. I'm trying to figure my life out. I've been left behind by so many friends. I know if I had followed another way other than the Lord's tugs on my heart I may have maintained much closer closeness with certain people I long to be in their lives, but life isn't all that easy, at least for me. I've been rejected far too many times to count, and you may say who cares, but how do you say this poetically? I am a woman. I am repairable. I look to God for hope, for Him, for life, for love, for satisfaction. Yet I'm telling you I'm not perfect. This is a messy life I'm in.
I've failed at this "almost motherhood thing." I feel like sometimes I learn half what I don't want to so in the future and half what I do want. And this is me. And there is no one who would reject my beautiful heart that can ever completely break me. And there is hope in that. And I will one day look back and laugh and one day I will feel happy and one day I will have a family that's back in piece and one day someone will look me in the eyes and say, "I get it, you're not super emotional, you're just you Ashley." Someday, he will know. Someday he will get it. Someday he will know he made the wrong decision, but that I made more and I am not a white bride but a dirty one pleading with the Lord to save me and make me clean.
Monday, February 15, 2016
February 15, 2016
I am so grateful for God and all He has given me, of Himself and who He is, and also just in good gifts. I'm thankful for our puppy Mocha, a brown lab with possible a mix of something else in him (he's turning out shorter than I thought he would!), my brothers, my amazing sisters, the love of the people I work with, and the twins I get to give the love of Jesus.
Last Friday was an amazing encounter with God. I was graciously invited to share about REVIVE Twin Cities with a youth group. To say the least, I was nervous. I have taken public speaking, I have preached the gospel in Ukraine, but still speaking in front of people, especially middle school age youth, makes me nervous. I was hoping to rely on God's power to speak what he wanted me to share about my experiences with Revive, but I ended up with barely any voice that night. Consequently, I got, to my ecstasy, I got to remain silent for most of the night. I chatted away with my second parents when we went out to dinner at Suburban in Excelsior and in their car (the weather was absolutely frigid and I felt like I was literally in a freezer when I walked outside). Anyway, my second mom prepared me beforehand on what to say beforehand and just had me prepare to respond "YES" when she asked me in front of everyone if the Revive method worked. I therefore only said "yes" and "awesome" (to say Revive was awesome) to the whole group.
I got that over with and it was then that I got a glorious ministry opportunity. I felt led to go up to the "popular table" where the kids didn't seem as engaged or interested. I specifically had a heart for a girl who seemed hard but I related her to a girl I met in the Ukraine and I knew this girl was soft inside just waiting to be told she was loved. My evangelist friend from a church I minister to very young children at started approaching the table, so I was backing down from what I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me. Then the still small voice of the Holy Spirit guided me to go back to this table and minister to these cool kids. I knew the Holy Spirit had specifically asked me to go to this table. Also, I would be comfortable at all of the other tables, but here it would be hard, for me. There was a boy at the table I found out his mom potentially may have cancer. We were to role play doing a REVIVE encounter. The kids were engaged for the most part with an evangelist I know leading. But then he left and I was thinking, "ok, I can either step back and let these kids do whatever they want to do, or I can step up and do a hard thing and actually have a reason for coming here tonight and do with these kids what would honor God."
The amazing thing is that God had let this weakness in, through the loss of my voice and my feelings of being scared to minister to these teens who needed the love of God, to display his glory. I went through the gospel with them and some looked at me with eyes of longing and interest. I went through the Revive method and also occasionally put in a question from a page my second mom wrote up to ask them as conversation starters. They were engaged with the process. I asked the African American boy what he thought about God. He said dejectedly that God is just someone who we see after we die. My heart really went out for this boy. I actually felt like crying after this encounter! I got to explain to them how God wants a relationship with us now, not just when we die, and I clearly put forth that salvation comes from believing in Jesus's sacrifice on the cross for us to be what gets us into heaven, not how amazing we are or our own good works. It's true that people "I'm the church" need to hear the real complete gospel as well as those outside. We can't just assume that everyone in the church gets it. These teens seemed like they were learning something new. They all wanted to pray for a deeper relationship with the Lord.
I prayed for them all to receive a deeper relationship with God, and it was a great little gathering. I hope the boy understood what I was saying and that he will receive it and receive God in his life to take care of him and give him the love that he needs. He seemed like he was put together but also hurting inside. The kids were listening and tolerating my voice as I got to share the gospel with them. I felt weak, but because I did, God used me through that and despite that.
The message: God used me in my weaknesses. He got glory. These kids who were supposed to be learning to share the gospel got to hear the gospel themselves. These five teens stayed the longest in the whole room and were able to pray effectively for a deeper and closer relationship with God. I hope this inspires you to come closer to the Lord and let your ministry to others flow not from your own self, timeline and abilities, but from that intimacy with the Lord.
xoxo,
ashley
Last Friday was an amazing encounter with God. I was graciously invited to share about REVIVE Twin Cities with a youth group. To say the least, I was nervous. I have taken public speaking, I have preached the gospel in Ukraine, but still speaking in front of people, especially middle school age youth, makes me nervous. I was hoping to rely on God's power to speak what he wanted me to share about my experiences with Revive, but I ended up with barely any voice that night. Consequently, I got, to my ecstasy, I got to remain silent for most of the night. I chatted away with my second parents when we went out to dinner at Suburban in Excelsior and in their car (the weather was absolutely frigid and I felt like I was literally in a freezer when I walked outside). Anyway, my second mom prepared me beforehand on what to say beforehand and just had me prepare to respond "YES" when she asked me in front of everyone if the Revive method worked. I therefore only said "yes" and "awesome" (to say Revive was awesome) to the whole group.
I got that over with and it was then that I got a glorious ministry opportunity. I felt led to go up to the "popular table" where the kids didn't seem as engaged or interested. I specifically had a heart for a girl who seemed hard but I related her to a girl I met in the Ukraine and I knew this girl was soft inside just waiting to be told she was loved. My evangelist friend from a church I minister to very young children at started approaching the table, so I was backing down from what I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me. Then the still small voice of the Holy Spirit guided me to go back to this table and minister to these cool kids. I knew the Holy Spirit had specifically asked me to go to this table. Also, I would be comfortable at all of the other tables, but here it would be hard, for me. There was a boy at the table I found out his mom potentially may have cancer. We were to role play doing a REVIVE encounter. The kids were engaged for the most part with an evangelist I know leading. But then he left and I was thinking, "ok, I can either step back and let these kids do whatever they want to do, or I can step up and do a hard thing and actually have a reason for coming here tonight and do with these kids what would honor God."
The amazing thing is that God had let this weakness in, through the loss of my voice and my feelings of being scared to minister to these teens who needed the love of God, to display his glory. I went through the gospel with them and some looked at me with eyes of longing and interest. I went through the Revive method and also occasionally put in a question from a page my second mom wrote up to ask them as conversation starters. They were engaged with the process. I asked the African American boy what he thought about God. He said dejectedly that God is just someone who we see after we die. My heart really went out for this boy. I actually felt like crying after this encounter! I got to explain to them how God wants a relationship with us now, not just when we die, and I clearly put forth that salvation comes from believing in Jesus's sacrifice on the cross for us to be what gets us into heaven, not how amazing we are or our own good works. It's true that people "I'm the church" need to hear the real complete gospel as well as those outside. We can't just assume that everyone in the church gets it. These teens seemed like they were learning something new. They all wanted to pray for a deeper relationship with the Lord.
I prayed for them all to receive a deeper relationship with God, and it was a great little gathering. I hope the boy understood what I was saying and that he will receive it and receive God in his life to take care of him and give him the love that he needs. He seemed like he was put together but also hurting inside. The kids were listening and tolerating my voice as I got to share the gospel with them. I felt weak, but because I did, God used me through that and despite that.
The message: God used me in my weaknesses. He got glory. These kids who were supposed to be learning to share the gospel got to hear the gospel themselves. These five teens stayed the longest in the whole room and were able to pray effectively for a deeper and closer relationship with God. I hope this inspires you to come closer to the Lord and let your ministry to others flow not from your own self, timeline and abilities, but from that intimacy with the Lord.
xoxo,
ashley
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Reflection on Psalm 3
Sitting here eating rice cakes and mutually staring at my dog, I tried to think about life. This happened the other day, while I had some spare moments for reflection. Today, I'm in the same spot, yet a few things are different. I've eaten more food, and I've gone some more places. What is the same? The conditions of my soul, the thoughts dwelling in my soul are the same.
This morning, after a beautiful morning at church, where I had enough time to take a good shower and go early (mainly motivated by the fact that I had to because I was on the worship team), I am sitting here now briefly and just reading Psalm 3. The fact that our souls can think thoughts is proof enough right now to me that there is a God. The beauty of people and the intricacies of their designs also gives me no speculation. There are other things in life, though, that can give us reasons to doubt. What are those? Can we identify them and bring them into the light?
For me, when times are hard, I have had moments of wanting to give up on the belief of God, or go to worldly ways and reasons of being happy. The Baptist- Christian life- devotional kind-pure lifestyle is not the only one out there, and there is a distinct choice to choose to live in a belief in God and to live missing out on many different things. But I glorify and thank God in this moment, because he has brought me through and over my doubts and given me ways and reasons to believe in him firmly and live for Him as my highest life purpose.
Bringing it all together, the Word sustains and brings clarity to it all.
I feel similar to David in this passage. Many are my foes! Whether I imagine them or not, there are also stark dark foes right in front of me! I have to face them without support from friends, without adequate support from my family, and with friends I would desire to be the friends I wish I could be running with this season. BUT God. But God, he is always there for me. He is here to sustain, to refresh, to show me the way my footsteps should go. He has never failed me yet, as the song goes. What a beautiful and true reminder.
I learned at BSF this year (Bible Study Fellowship, the Bible study of this year being on Revelation) that the word TRUE which describes Jesus's nature in the beginning chapters of Revelation, means that he is true in the deepest sense of the Word, that he is REAL, that he actually is real and he actually exists, and that his truth is not just a surfacey fake truth but he is true to the depths of who he actually is. God is TRUTH. Jesus is TRUTH. Allah is a fake god, and Jesus is THE ONLY TRUE GOD. Some people claim that the God of Islam is the same God of Christianity. But that is not true! If they are the same God, then why do they say to opposing things? Islam says boldly and loudly that Jesus is not God! Jesus in the Bible says Himself that he is God. If they were the same God "he" would not be saying two things that oppose each other.
Back to Psalm 3, I could easily look to others and find no hope in my future simply based on their lack of interest in my existence, the fact that they don't say hi to me, or that they don't seem to encourage me and come up and say "you were called to this, you were made for that." Instead I look to God! In Him, I then find my meaning and purpose. I find security when around me is evil, when a person rises up against me when I stand for truth. When I am rejected by "friends," I can find true meaning in my relationship with God and maybe it is a wake up call to me to pursue my purpose and not waste my time on a friendship that is idle and not fulfilling and not God-honoring. I may not see that from the outset, but looking back I can think, "oh, maybe God was protecting me from something that wasn't worthwhile anyway."
"I lie down and sleep." Oh, there is rest in God. I can sleep. I don't have to spend my life worrying. I have many cares and I can give them to God. He lifts my head high! He lifts the heads of believers who believe in this verse high!
Others may say, "there is no hope for Ashley" "there is no way she can do this or that because she does not have a college degree or a college degree yet" or "there's no way she can be delivered into this or that (do this or that accomplishment)." But God's Word screams to my heart (gently! It's a good scream I mean metaphorically), "I will deliver you, Ashley!" God says this to me, and by reading his word and finding this truth out, I now choose to believe it.
Even if my foes were multiplied by ten thousand, God would still protect me, as it says in this passage. I would not perish before my life purpose from God is accomplished, and if I die, I know that is God's timing and that I have fulfilled what he has created me to be and do on earth. Then heaven awaits me! What joy! What utter joy will be there! I hope to inspire many people to come along, because that is a HUGE, almost complete part of my purpose in being here on earth. I will let you read it again here.
This morning, after a beautiful morning at church, where I had enough time to take a good shower and go early (mainly motivated by the fact that I had to because I was on the worship team), I am sitting here now briefly and just reading Psalm 3. The fact that our souls can think thoughts is proof enough right now to me that there is a God. The beauty of people and the intricacies of their designs also gives me no speculation. There are other things in life, though, that can give us reasons to doubt. What are those? Can we identify them and bring them into the light?
For me, when times are hard, I have had moments of wanting to give up on the belief of God, or go to worldly ways and reasons of being happy. The Baptist- Christian life- devotional kind-pure lifestyle is not the only one out there, and there is a distinct choice to choose to live in a belief in God and to live missing out on many different things. But I glorify and thank God in this moment, because he has brought me through and over my doubts and given me ways and reasons to believe in him firmly and live for Him as my highest life purpose.
Bringing it all together, the Word sustains and brings clarity to it all.
Psalm 3
A psalm of David. When he fled from his son Absalom.
1 Lord, how many are my foes!
How many rise up against me!
2 Many are saying of me,
“God will not deliver him.”
How many rise up against me!
2 Many are saying of me,
“God will not deliver him.”
3 But you, Lord, are a shield around me,
my glory, the One who lifts my head high.
4 I call out to the Lord,
and he answers me from his holy mountain.
my glory, the One who lifts my head high.
4 I call out to the Lord,
and he answers me from his holy mountain.
5 I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.
6 I will not fear though tens of thousands
assail me on every side.
I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.
6 I will not fear though tens of thousands
assail me on every side.
7 Arise, Lord!
Deliver me, my God!
Strike all my enemies on the jaw;
break the teeth of the wicked.
Deliver me, my God!
Strike all my enemies on the jaw;
break the teeth of the wicked.
8 From the Lord comes deliverance.
May your blessing be on your people.
May your blessing be on your people.
Thanks to Biblegateway.com for the passage!
I learned at BSF this year (Bible Study Fellowship, the Bible study of this year being on Revelation) that the word TRUE which describes Jesus's nature in the beginning chapters of Revelation, means that he is true in the deepest sense of the Word, that he is REAL, that he actually is real and he actually exists, and that his truth is not just a surfacey fake truth but he is true to the depths of who he actually is. God is TRUTH. Jesus is TRUTH. Allah is a fake god, and Jesus is THE ONLY TRUE GOD. Some people claim that the God of Islam is the same God of Christianity. But that is not true! If they are the same God, then why do they say to opposing things? Islam says boldly and loudly that Jesus is not God! Jesus in the Bible says Himself that he is God. If they were the same God "he" would not be saying two things that oppose each other.
Back to Psalm 3, I could easily look to others and find no hope in my future simply based on their lack of interest in my existence, the fact that they don't say hi to me, or that they don't seem to encourage me and come up and say "you were called to this, you were made for that." Instead I look to God! In Him, I then find my meaning and purpose. I find security when around me is evil, when a person rises up against me when I stand for truth. When I am rejected by "friends," I can find true meaning in my relationship with God and maybe it is a wake up call to me to pursue my purpose and not waste my time on a friendship that is idle and not fulfilling and not God-honoring. I may not see that from the outset, but looking back I can think, "oh, maybe God was protecting me from something that wasn't worthwhile anyway."
"I lie down and sleep." Oh, there is rest in God. I can sleep. I don't have to spend my life worrying. I have many cares and I can give them to God. He lifts my head high! He lifts the heads of believers who believe in this verse high!
Others may say, "there is no hope for Ashley" "there is no way she can do this or that because she does not have a college degree or a college degree yet" or "there's no way she can be delivered into this or that (do this or that accomplishment)." But God's Word screams to my heart (gently! It's a good scream I mean metaphorically), "I will deliver you, Ashley!" God says this to me, and by reading his word and finding this truth out, I now choose to believe it.
Even if my foes were multiplied by ten thousand, God would still protect me, as it says in this passage. I would not perish before my life purpose from God is accomplished, and if I die, I know that is God's timing and that I have fulfilled what he has created me to be and do on earth. Then heaven awaits me! What joy! What utter joy will be there! I hope to inspire many people to come along, because that is a HUGE, almost complete part of my purpose in being here on earth. I will let you read it again here.
Psalm 3
A psalm of David. When he fled from his son Absalom.
1 Lord, how many are my foes!
How many rise up against me!
2 Many are saying of me,
“God will not deliver him.”
How many rise up against me!
2 Many are saying of me,
“God will not deliver him.”
3 But you, Lord, are a shield around me,
my glory, the One who lifts my head high.
4 I call out to the Lord,
and he answers me from his holy mountain.
my glory, the One who lifts my head high.
4 I call out to the Lord,
and he answers me from his holy mountain.
5 I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.
6 I will not fear though tens of thousands
assail me on every side.
I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.
6 I will not fear though tens of thousands
assail me on every side.
7 Arise, Lord!
Deliver me, my God!
Strike all my enemies on the jaw;
break the teeth of the wicked.
Deliver me, my God!
Strike all my enemies on the jaw;
break the teeth of the wicked.
8 From the Lord comes deliverance.
May your blessing be on your people.
May your blessing be on your people.
Passage sourced from Biblegateway.com
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