I know I am unique, I know God loves me, I feel for the longest time I've probably relied so much on what my view of myself growing up was. While I wish for some of my personality to be resurfaced, in a way I guess what I really want is to just have the freedom to be a child again. Writing this actually makes me want to cry. Just remembering being a child, I could do anything I wanted really. Not in a sense of never being told what to do, of course I was told many many times what to do. I think it's more along the lines of just having fun being me and picking something to do and doing it. I would do something fully, I had the freedom to think all about what I was doing and to give my all. Now I'm not sure what definition it means to apply if I have given my all to something.
I spend my days counting the objects that I am cleaning up at work. I know it may sound funny, but I count to keep motivated as I clean and there are plenty of messes made. It may be surprising how messy life can get at with little kids around you.
I spend my days with kids, and I love them and they give me joy. However, my days not with kids remind me of my loneliness. I honestly feel happy with kids and when alone I'm reminded of the sadness within me. I long for friendship yet when people come around me I long to just be alone.
It feels a bit unfair that I have remained non sexually active with a guy and yet the life I have had to live is basically that of a girl who's gotten pregnant in high school or similar time, unmarried. You could say that I am not nailed to these kids but my heart is with them, and my heart has not let go. Someday I will say goodbye which makes me want to cry, but for now I love them.
Yet it's true, because of them, I may have missed out on the only guy I thought I was supposed to be with, because I never got to leave MN but was stuck here. That's hard to swallow. Girls emotions are really intense, and I'm a woman. I have them. I feel them. I'm stable at work, I am composed. Yet vulnerability is so very hard because there is potential rejection, and here I am broken, lights out in my heart, turning to all the wrong places on the day, so blistered by sin that I fail to see myself as worthy.
God doesn't seem enough all the time. I'm a broken person in need of a savior. I'm trying to figure my life out. I've been left behind by so many friends. I know if I had followed another way other than the Lord's tugs on my heart I may have maintained much closer closeness with certain people I long to be in their lives, but life isn't all that easy, at least for me. I've been rejected far too many times to count, and you may say who cares, but how do you say this poetically? I am a woman. I am repairable. I look to God for hope, for Him, for life, for love, for satisfaction. Yet I'm telling you I'm not perfect. This is a messy life I'm in.
I've failed at this "almost motherhood thing." I feel like sometimes I learn half what I don't want to so in the future and half what I do want. And this is me. And there is no one who would reject my beautiful heart that can ever completely break me. And there is hope in that. And I will one day look back and laugh and one day I will feel happy and one day I will have a family that's back in piece and one day someone will look me in the eyes and say, "I get it, you're not super emotional, you're just you Ashley." Someday, he will know. Someday he will get it. Someday he will know he made the wrong decision, but that I made more and I am not a white bride but a dirty one pleading with the Lord to save me and make me clean.
